Heavens to Murgatroid, Halloween is over

You guys, Halloween to me is like, the scariest of all holidays. I know you may be thinking, well duh, Halloween is supposed to be scary. But no, really.

It’s because of what’s on TV.

All the channels are playing scary movies constantly.

Now, I can hang with the serial killer movies. Like Halloween the movie doesn’t scare me too much. I mean, I’m not going to have nightmares about it for more than a night.

But when it comes to like, the fantastical shit, well that is when things start to give me the creeps.

Like once, my friends really wanted to watch The Exorcist and afterwards I was afraid to open my window at night for 4 years. Another time, a group of girls at a sleepover wanted to watch The Mothman Prophecies and I swear to Johnny Knoxville I woke up thinking Ingrid Cole, or whatever the fuck his name was, was standing over my bed and breathing on me.

But guys, the scariest movie I’ve seen to this day. Scarier than all of those mentioned above, plus the Exorcism of Emily Rose (which sidebar, I saw with my husband early in our relationship because I was afraid to tell him if we saw it I wouldn’t sleep for years and we were late and had to sit in the front row and now I still can’t go back to sleep if I wake up anytime in the hour of 3am and have to watch TV until the slowest clock that I can see turns 4:00am) or White Noise (don’t even start with me) or anything is…

Earnest Scared Stupid.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOVIE? It is the scariest thing to come out of cinema. I watched it in 3rd grade at a sleepover, and I wasn’t able to sleep on my side until I went to college. I am GD serious. And that was because I didn’t think any of those trolls could get me on the top bunk because they have (PRESENT TENSE) small arms and probably can’t maneuver up the side without waking up my room mate.

I don’t remember ALL of the details, but basically these creepy trolls invade this town and turn people into wooden figurines of themselves and then somehow Earnest saves the day and everyone is un-figurined or something. Which, in itself is creepy enough.

But you know what really gives me anxiety? What if, say, I was turned into one of these doll things. With just my luck, Earnest (who let’s face it isn’t very responsible) would turn all of the other victims back into normal people and like, FORGET to turn me back to my normal self. And I would be stuck in the troll cave forever as a wooden replica of myself and everyone would forget about me because they are just so happy the stupid trolls are dead and they’d close up the entrance to the cave and I’d be down there forever and in 20 years some Cairn Terrier would find me by digging a huge ass hole in the ground and its owner wouldn’t know what to make of me/the figure so, how convenient, Antiques Road Show is in town, and they would take me on the show and because I’m so fucking beautiful I would obviously be worth millions and that person would become rich and I’d have to live in a glass case in their tacky Z Gallery home courtesy of their new fortune and then they would pass me on to their Ed Hardy wearing son who is in sales and put tacky rims on his Tahoe and NO.

Terrifying.

I need another fun sized Snickers.